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PERHAPS AMERICA SHOULD ACT LIKE THE UNITED NATIONS
Sep. 18, 2005
Here is a quick “Final Jeopardy” question for you: “Name an organization
that within the last year has been found complicit in child molestation
and prostitution, abandoning hundreds of thousands of civilians to
genocide because they are not Muslim, summarily terminating the
employment of those who wrote a book outlining the organization’s
systematic patterns of abuse, actively working to obstruct an
investigation that proved that its employees where taking bribes and
kickbacks from funds intended to feed women and children, and still
receives the praises of those who feel America should yield its national
sovereignty over to it.”
“What is the United Nations, Alex?”
“Very good! You get to move on to the next round and for the rest of
you, here is the home version of the game and a couple of boxes of
Imagine for a moment that the United Nations was not the UN, but the
United States Congress. How long do you think the American people would
tolerate American troops molesting the children of evacuees from New
Orleans, or reports of FEMA officials siphoning off relief aid so they
could build vacation homes?
It would be a scandal beyond compare. Officials would resign and many
prosecuted, elected leaders would demand accountability, and any
involved removed from office either through impeachment or the voters.
And, it would all be completely justified. Anyone capable of or allowing
such exploitation it has no business in a position of authority.
However, American liberals do not apply the same scrutiny to the United
Nations as they do to their own government. Liberals prefer to ignore
the ineptness of the UN in favor of the belief that the United States is
the source of evil in the modern world. The UN is not anti-Semitic,
America ignores the plight of the Palestinians; the UN is not controlled
by anti-American tyrants, America is imperialistic; the UN is not
incapable of following through on its resolutions, America is
unilateralist; and so forth.
Since, in the eyes of the left, everything the United Nations does is so
good, and everything the United States so bad, perhaps it is time for a
change. Who knows? Maybe the liberals are right and America is the sole
cause of global warming, the deforestation of the rain forest, and the
slave trade from North Africa to the Mid-East.
There is only one way to find out, and that is for the United States to
model its behavior after that of the UN. Below is a list what this might
look like. It might seem rather radical, childish, and shortsighted, but
it is a small price to pay for the respect of the left and the adoration
of the world’s petty dictators.
That does not seem too bad, does it? But it gets better. Here are a few
where we can really have some fun.
- All UN dues paid by the United States must be administered in the
same way the UN manages its relief efforts. This should include
the 75% standard reduction in funds for “administrative costs,”
and the construction of luxury hotels for American observers to
sleep while they ensure the spending of our money.
- The United States will fully support all UN peacekeeping missions.
However, now rather than sending troops, the United States
Congress shall issue a resolution of condemnation of the conflict
and then hope it just goes away on its own.
- Whenever anything happens to ease the suffering of the poverty
stricken, the United States will send in three mid-level
dignitaries at the end to take full credit for the project.
- In event of a natural disaster, the United States shall lead the
“Stop Being So Stingy” sing-a-long.
- In the event of a major terrorist attack overseas, the United
States will hand out thousands of vigil candles, flags of the
attacked nation, have a parade where we release a bunch of doves,
and then hope it does not happen again.
- The United States will recognize that access to medical care,
education, and clean water are all secondary to the right of women
in Third World countries to have access to forced abortions.
The United Nations the left admires is a myth. The dream of a world at
peace in international harmony free from want and disease is the most
admirable of goals. However, the simple fact of the matter is that the
world is so vast, cultures so diverse, and the needs of differing
geographic areas so disparate, that no one body, no matter how well
intentioned, can achieve these lofty goals. Bringing all the parties
together does not solve the problems, it just creates a microcosm of the
- The United States will severely restrict the export of all
technology, medicine, and access to our university system to any
nation that does not fully support our call to push all Muslims in
England “into the sea.”
- The United States will demand the right of all Americans of
European descent to return to Europe at will, and then demand that
their immediate geographical area be declared an independent state.
- If anyone in the world happens to break an American law, the
United States will demand his or her extradition to stand trial in
an American court.
- In the event American troops encounter armed resistance, they will
immediately return to their bases and prepare to go home, leaving
the opposing force to slaughter and rape the local civilians as
international law dictates.
- The United States Department of State will restructure its
negotiation guidelines to include, whining, pouting and not
talking to the other party, putting their heads down on the
negotiation table and covering their ears while making a loud
humming noise, erratic outbursts of temper where the American
negotiator will accuse other parties of being “paper tigers,” and
trying to make the other parties feel sorry for us.
The United Nations is now defunct. Rather than wasting our time trying
to fix an organization beyond repair, we should look ahead toward
building a new international body. Not one based just on lofty goals and
romantic dreams, but on accountability and reality.
© Justin Darr
Justin Darr is a freelance writer living in the Philadelphia area with
his wife and twin children. He can be read widely on the Internet and in
publications across North America and in Europe.
Justin Darr is a staff writer for The New Media Alliance, and proud
member of the MoveOff Network.